Lucky that my breasts are small and humble...

So you don't confuse them with mountains.


I don't like underwear much. Well, that's not quite true. I quite like pants, but when it comes to bras, on the whole I find them pretty damn uncomfortable. I wear them, obviously, and have a lot of pretty ones, but quite often, especially when working on an essay or, as today, revising, I whip it off and just wear a tshirt. I needed to go to the kitchen earlier and debated covering up some more before doing so, incase I bumped into one of the boys.

The reason for this is nipplage. On the whole, I don't think nipples are very attractive, and I don't think anyone wants to see mine through my top or whatever. I'm going to ignore the fact that breasts, and therefore nipples, are designed to feed babies, and are not just for the visual and tactile pleasures of men (or women, whatever floats your boat). What I'm wondering is; are nipples attractive? And does anyone want to see your breasts bouncing under a tshirt or whatever, or do they look best when held firmly in place with smooth, nipple-free lines?

Thinking about this, I watched an episode of Sex and the City. In it, Samantha advocates the use of fake nipples to attract men. Miranda tries them on in a bar and suddenly gets a hell of a lot more attention. And yes, you really can buy them. In my research, I also came across a website detailing "how to make your nipples look larger"! The methods listed include pinching them, using ice cubes on them, or consulting a plastic surgeon. Nipple enlargement surgery?! Seriously?!

So what do we think? Are nipples the next best thing, or are they best kept under wraps?

Dreams

Last night I dreamt I went to Mandalay again...



What's in a dream? Last night, I dreamt that I was pregnant, and that I miscarried. It wasn't a happy dream. There was so much detail; what my parents said, who the father was, how I felt. It was one of those dreams that felt so real that even now I'm awake I feel raw and bruised and battered.

I don't believe that dreams can predict the future. I know that dreaming is a part of REM sleep and that it's thought to be a way that our brains process learning and memory; related to the transfer of STM to LTM.

And whilst I don't believe in the Freudian psychoanalysis theory that dreams are an expression of our unconscious twisted sexual fantasies, I think he might have been on the right line. Take away the twisted sexual fantasies, and dreams are an expression of our unconscious. Those thoughts and events that are troubling you come out at night and if you think about them enough and look at them from the right angle, you can often work out what it's trying to say to you. That's actually basically a Jungian theory of dream analysis.

According to various 'dream dictionary' websites, my miscarriage dream represents lots of things; it could be warning me about my current plan of action, that I should change it...or that I'm going to experience a loss of money...it may represent my transformation from a child to an adult...amongst other things.

The worst dreams I've had, and I've had a lot of these recently; were ones in which people close to me died. Quite often, nobody would tell me that the person had died and I would find out days later; upon asking why nobody thought to tell me, they all said the same: "we didn't think you were that close [to the person]". The people who died were close relatives, and my best friends.

The meanings of these dreams are obvious. Actually, I won't tell you what I think they symbolise. Take a guess, and see if we think the same thing?



Last night I dreamt I was on the boat to heaven, and by some chance I had brought my dice along...and there I stood, and I hollered "someone fade me", but the passengers, they knew right from wrong...

Affirmation

I believe the sun should never set upon an argument
I really agree with this. People regularly come out with clichés such as "you should live every day as if it's your last, because one day you'll be right" and "life is short" so often that I'd imagine the words have lost most of their meaning for a lot of people! But, whilst it's obviously ridiculous to expect to die every day, and thereby make no plans for the future, the best thing to do after an argument is make the peace. I always think I'd feel horrific if the last words I said to someone were angry ones, and so I really try to at least tell the person I was arguing with that I love/like/care about them a lot before I go to sleep, even if I'm not going to back down over the argument. Besides, I can never sleep if I'm angry/upset.

I believe we place our happiness in other people's hands
Well, yes, often we do. But is that really so bad? If you never let someone hold your heart and learn to trust them to look after it, then you'd live a pretty sad existence. Sure, we need to learn to be happy when alone, but friends and family = happiness.

I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye
How true. There is no happiness without sadness, and vice versa. Good old yin/yang theory.

I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side
It sure as hell looks it, but it turns out that it's just a trick of the light.


I believe a lot of things, but these are some that I like to ponder upon from time to time.

Oh, and it's a good song!

Hospitals and dignity

This was in the news today.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/7363525.stm

Obviously, I have personal experience of this. Whilst mixed wards/bathrooms never bothered me/would bother me, I agree about the dignity thing. And the washing thing.

Thoughts?

Repentance and forgiveness

Today I found, amongst the backlog of post from whilst I've been home, a small book entitled "Steps to Christ". It's the usual sort of thing you'd expect, although from flicking through it I'm pleasantly surprised at the lack of "kill the gays" type thing. It flaunts itself as a book which "leads those looking for meaning in life to discover it in Jesus Christ, and, step by step, to find forgiveness, confidence, security and real joy. It shows Christ as the way to lasting peace".

Basically, all 126 pages can be condensed into something like:

1. You are a sinner
2. Jesus wants to save the sinners
3. Jesus will save you!
   

The paragraph that really stood out to me was this:

"A repentance [...] is beyond the reach of our own power to accomplish; it is obtained only from Christ"


Now, this I really disagree with. Only Christ can forgive us for our wrongdoings? What arse. The whole book, in fact, seems petrified that people will realise they've 'sinned' (I feel more comfortable going with 'done something wrong') and stop doing the sinning, and then be forgiven by their friends and family, and be content. It regularly stresses that friends and family can't forgive you. You can't forgive yourself. ONLY JESUS CAN SAVE YOU.

I've done some things I'm not proud of. I've done things that have hurt friends, and things that have hurt myself. Generally, I stop doing whatever it is, and apologise. Then it is up to whoever I've hurt to forgive me, and then for me to be at peace with myself for it. It's not easy, sure. But I don't need Jesus to do it for me.

Any thoughts? Are repentance and forgiveness human qualities, and indeed, duties? Or should we rely on a higher being to tell us we're bad people, then pat us on the back and say "there there. You're saved."?

Keep on Running....

This song, by the Spencer Davis Group, came up on my iPod today, as I was struggling to keep running up a hill. It was enough to make me laugh, and to, indeed, keep on running. It got me a fair few looks from drivers of passing cars, too, along the lines of "look at the wierdo"...but then again I get those for running full stop!

I've been putting off writing this post, because I am paranoid about jinxing this.

I love running. I never thought I'd say that! Admittedly, it's only been a week, but today I spent £70 on very nice trainers to run in, and presumably that kick in the wallet is enough of a kick in the bum to 'keep on running'. I'm wary of saying it, but I think I may be turning into...heck, may have already turned into!...one of them. Those people who I am wont to call 'crazy', 'insane', and 'mental'. Those people who come home, drenched in sweat, aching all over, and stop and say "my god, that was hard. And it was bloody BRILLIANT!"

There is nothing like the high of hard physical work.

I have caught myself walking down my road after a hard run, feeling my heart rate slow and sweat trace tracks down the side of my face, with the sun catching the side of my body...and smiling.






God, it feels good.

To love or be loved...

This evening I was thinking about relationships. Not just the romantic kind, but friendships and family ties too. There is a novella, written by Carson McCullers, called "The Ballad of the Sad Café". One of the core messages throughout it is that within any relationship there is a lover, and a beloved. In other words, it's never balanced.

Is a person predisposed to be one or the other for the duration of their life? Or do they chop and change, depending on the relationship in question? I have a feeling that it's the former. I know people who are very much lovers; people who throw themselves headfirst into relationships, and do anything to make the other happy. Myself included! Likewise, I also know people who hold the power over the relationship; they are the beloved and they are very happy being that way.

I've always thought the beloved is the one with the power. The lover is powerless to control themselves, and then when the beloved decides...the relationship is put on hold, or is over. It's always the lover who gets hurt.

On one hand, I'm still very much enamoured with the Disney school of romance. Boy meets girl...or rather, prince meets princess. They fall madly in love and there we are. Or, as Carrie said in one of the final episodes of Sex and the City; "I'm looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't-live-without-each-other love."

But all I've learnt from this is that it hurts.

It is often said that a woman should marry a man who loves her more than she loves him. She should sidestep the man who makes her heart fizz and her stomach flip when she holds his hand, and look for the man who makes her feel safe.

This strikes me as hopelessly sad, but also, hopefully...hopeful. Safety is better than heartbreak, any day...and a relationship that starts on a passionate, all-consuming high has already reached its climax, and has nowhere to go but to fall. And so, I shall stop looking for my knight in shining armour and instead, look for my safety net. The man who will look after me and love me.





But maybe I'll let a tiny part of me hold on to the dream of love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't-live-without-each-other love.

:)

Inspiration

Climb up over the top.
Survey the state of the soul.
You've got to find out for yourself whether or not you're truly trying.
Why not give it a shot?
Shake it. Take control and inevitably wind up
Find out for yourself all the strengths you have inside of you.